Please believe me when I say that my lack of posting here does not mean a lack of writing. I have drafts… at least three versions of this one and several more. They are sitting behind the scenes… collecting cyberdust. You will probably never see them. At least not in their current forms. They’re too personal or too exploratory. They never seem to have conclusions. So they sit, waiting for my mind to resolve.
I think the best way to describe this is to quote John Green, “My thoughts are stars I can’t fathom into constellations.”
Ever since I read that line in The Fault in Our Stars it’s been the truest statement of my life. I have ambitions. I have stories in my head that can’t seem to come together long enough to be written down. I have a story that just wants to be told but I can’t put more than feelings towards the characters. Have you ever felt that? That there’s a story you need to tell, but one of the characters scares you so much because their story is unconventional. That telling their story might just reveal some of your own.
I think the overarching emotion would be fear. Fear of not getting it right. Fear of the backlash from telling a story poorly or telling one that some people disagree with. The fear of not writing the sentence well the first time.
I’m trying to get over all of these. To remember that before a book is published, or a story is well-written, it must go through a series of edits and re-writing. I know those things. I know that it’s a process of commitment. However, I don’t really know what that’s like. Lately a lot of people have been talking about next year… or plans a year from now. I can’t think that far in advance… or I can, it’s just completely unknown.
I don’t know what I will be doing in a year. I don’t know where I’ll be, if I’ll have a full-time job… this instability makes it hard to commit to much. It makes it hard to commit to a story. That’s weird, right? That the unknown makes it difficult to write a fictional story? Well, since when have I ever claimed to be a normal person?
Well, I’m ending this here. I want to publish this post and I can’t collect my thoughts enough to delve further into my psyche. Hopefully, though, I’ll meet you here again soon.