Dirge Without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,– but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,–
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

     I recently finished reading the book Rose Under Fire by Elizabeth Wein about an Air Transport Auxiliary pilot, Rose, who was imprisoned for six months in the Ravensbrück concentration camp during WWII. While this specific story was a work of fiction, Rose takes solace in poetry- specifically the poetry of Edna St. Vincent Millay. I had never before read her work, but her poetry is impactful. Only a couple of the verses from the above poem are recited in the book, but at this moment in time, the words are more relevant than ever.

     There has been so much tragedy and death in our world lately. From the very personal loss of my grandpa’s passing, to the life lost overseas to unthinkable violence. My heart aches for those I have never met, for the names I will never know, and the smiles and beauty that will never be seen again. It is true that death and violence happen all the time. People die unjustly, but that is no reason to not care. My heart aches for those who will never be given burial rites, and for the families who had no choice but to flee for their lives. I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Fin.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. I can wonderfully say that I feel like I can breathe again. School is over. I am a Master at Library and Information Science… sort of. So the question is what’s next?

Well, what’s next is a slight breather. At this moment I don’t have a full-time job. As they told us multiple times during library school, getting a job is insanely hard. So I’m applying and looking for jobs in any place that I could stand to live. Ultimately, I would love to stay in Pittsburgh, but I know that realistically, I can’t hold onto that. 

Hopefully soon I will have a job that will work for the interim and help pay the bills. I know that finding a job in my profession can take time. Thankfully I still have my part-time job in a library so I plan on using that to my fullest extent. I’m so thankful for all of the support and prayers that people have directed at me. I sincerely could not have completed my degree and gotten to this point without everyone around me. 

But now I’m left with the question of, “what do I do with my free time?” I have no homework. None. Nothing that’s due (besides job applications) and nothing to be graded on. My days are very empty now. In this moment with a job in which I only work three days a week, I actually have time to do things other than homework. 

I’ve begun reading for fun. It’s a little weird. Throughout school, I’ve built a mental block to reading. It’s as if I have to get over a negative connotation of reading before I can start. This is most likely from being forced to read useless articles and such, so reading for fun has been a bit hard. 

But I need to read as much as possible to be the best book recommender as possible. We’ll see how this goes. In the mean time, however, I am going to try and keep writing here. Make this a more active space.